Mammogram Mangler

I went for my annual mash-down in the mammogram mangler this past week. At one point the whole thing seemed completely ridiculous. Neck twisted one way, torso another, the target of investigation flattened down to 33 mm by a massive machine. Then I remembered an email that circulated in the early days of the internet and I almost burst into hysterics.

Here it is resurrected for some fun:

The Joys & Thrill Of Mammograms
This is an x-ray that has it’s own name because no one wants to actually say the word “breast”.  Mammograms require your breast to do gymnastics.  If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine.  Most breasts, however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular, so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises!

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.

Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer.  Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking.  Repeat twice daily. You are now properly prepared.

Maybe there will be a break-through in technology someday!


About lynnmorstead

Writing about the small things that shape our lives
This entry was posted in Health & Fitness, Humor and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Mammogram Mangler

  1. Rhonda says:

    Hilarious! I’m due again in April — can hardly wait!

  2. Katie says:

    Haha! I’m a little frightened now. I have my first one next week. Eek!

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